It’s Beginning To Look A Lot Like Vacation
Dear Denver International Airport,
You have the best people watching a girl could ask for at 6:30 in the bight
and early morning. Example: the guy sitting across from me sleeping with his
mouth open and his lady friend a few seats down talking on the phone to
her friend tell whoever they are how they’re currently in a fight because she
wants sex more often that he does. Not to mention the kid sitting next to me
has been starring at me for the last 3 minutes straight, talk about a victim of
social awkwardness in the making Here I was all upset seeing as I had to get
up at 4:15 this morning to finish packing and get my little body ready for vacation,
but oh MAN you and the people that travel through you are priceless. Thank you
DIA, I truly thank you.
Sincerely,
The Girl Next Door
Hey-o it’s that time again… hello sweet, vacation. Where am I going you might ask, Nampa, Idaho of course. Now I’m guessing your thinking to yourself something along the lines of “Dam that’s pretty much my dream vacation, I’m quite jealous” I know, i know, the moment someone makes mention of a personal trip the first location that pops into your mind is middle-of-nowhere Idaho. False. Trust me, plenty of my coworkers have mocked me for my choice of destination vacation.
A few months ago I was making this same exact trip except at that time I was going for a boy (how cliche of me right?) and even though that very much did not go anywhere good, I made some wonderful friends there that I quickly called family. One of those couples I had actually met briefly when I lived in Cali through a boy I was dating at the time (that one also failed miserably), yet they were closer to him and seeing how I became the devil’s spawn once we broke up, the couple and I lost touch until my previous trip took place.
Thanks to my former job, I was feeling quite burnt out a while and felt the need to get away so the plans begun to form between the three of us then quickly added two more- one being a girl who had known the couple in Cali (and now we’ve become long distance fb besties) and another guy who we all knew from Cali as well who just so happens to now live an hour away from me now. Dear god, it’s a small, strange world. Five people who at one time lived in good ol’ Redding California now merged to Colorado and Idaho.
Anyhow, sitting in a black leather chair at gate 35C in the Denver airport, I’m wondering if it’d be easier to try and take a nap to make up for the lack of sleep I’ve gotten in the past week or if I should just start drinking now. 7 in the morning isn’t too early to start down the vodka is it? (I didn’t think so) If nothing else it’ll make for some great entertainment for not only myself but for the entire plane.. you’re welcome.
Ok, ok perhaps I’ll try the shut eye thing first and if that doesn’t work I’ll resort to becoming an early morning alcoholic. In the mean time I’ll continue my people watching and jam out to Kreayshawn’s Gucci Gucci and keep my fingers crossed that I get a really entertaining travel buddy to sit next to.
Keep in tune kiddos… I have a feeling this trip is going to provide some pretty epic stories.
Every once in a while the stars aline, smile down upon us, and make a dream… or shall I say a fantasy (get your mind out of the damn gutter) come true. I, just like every other girl, was raised on fairy tales and dreams of grand prince’s coming to sweep me off my feet in a romantic gesture. and let me just say- dreams. come. true.
Let my just first say- I hate getting a crush on a guy. I mean, I HATE it. Especially if it’s one of those long, drawn out crushes that seem to weave in and out though a number of years. They’re just messy, confusing and usually end up being a waste of my brian space. Well as much as I hate them, there has been one crush in particular that I never seem to be able to shake. This boy (let’s call him Eric) and I have known each other a number of years now, I met him when I lived in California and even though most of our friendship was long distance we managed to keep in touch, as well as a mutual attraction afloat, going back and forth having little crushes on each other. I had a love/hate relationship with our friendship. One one hand he drove me nuts, could push my buttons like no man I’ve met before and on the other hand he could be wonderfully sweet, encouraging, and challenging- all the things that melted my little heart to forget my raging irritation with him.
A few months ago I found out that job that I had at the time was going to be sending me a mire 2 hours from where he lived on a business deal, and I was going to be flying into the airport 30 minutes from his house. Of course I text him first thing, and from there a little count down begun between us aiming at me making good on a promise to take him on a date next time we were together in the same location. The day came for me to leave and I text him letting him know how excited I was to see him and the reply stated ‘who’s this?’. In a bout of furry I turned to my coworker who was traveling with me on the trip and spewed “Nicole (name changed), do NOT let me get a crush on him again”. It was with that text that reminded me how much he could get under my skin and make me feel all of about two inches tall. Jaw clenched and eyes narrowed the entire flight, going over the list of why exactly I wasn’t going to allow those old feelings to creep back in. Plane landed and the walk to get our luggage began. As each step took me closer and closer to the baggage claim that list got smaller and smaller. A few text last he informed me he was just pulling up outside our airline pick up. All but running outside, my eyes frantically searching each car, looking the make and model of his, and then I saw him pulling up.
The moment I saw his face smiling back at me my heart fell through my feet.
Little hands flew up to cover my own blushing face, eyes wide as could be and a smile spreading across my cheeks I swear was going to crack my face in half. “Hi!” was all I could squeak out before demanding he get out of the car and give me a hug. Dropping my bags on the ground, I threw my arm around his neck, completely forgetting what I had told my coworker- crush, yea that baby was back on. The night flew by quicker than I would have liked it too, the three of us sitting down to dinner together, the two of us sharing moment of jokes and plain, good ol’ fashion chemistry. When it came time to say goodbye it took everything in me to walk away from those big brown eyes and drive away. The days at the conference flew by all the while Eric’s face danced in the back of my subconscious weather I liked or not. On the drive back to the airport at the end of my conference I begun texting him letting him know that he had two hours to decided to sweep me off to Vegas or not (an on going joke that we were going to just get married one day). And for the first time I said to a guy the one thing my heart lives by- “if you want it, come and get it”.
Long, dramatic story later, I ended up missing my flight and with my tale between my legs calling Eric asking if he had a couch I could crash on for the night. 20 minutes later he was once again pulling up outside of my airlines pick up (the drop of stop to be exact) and this time he wrapped his arms around me to help hold back my tears of exhaustion. Being the gentleman that he is, he arranged for me to stay at a girl friend of his, letting me know he would pick me up in the morning. Morning came and he took me out to breakfast, reminding once more how much he impacts my life by simply asking the questions no one else bothers to, demanding I become a better me. As we walked over to The Bass Pro Shop so we could walk through the miniature aquarium they had (seeing as how i LOVE aquariums) I could feel a tension of some sort building. The silent trip back to the airport was broken with an occasional question or joke, but off into our own worlds we remained.
As I watched him take my luggage out of the trunk I stood there quite awkwardly, not knowing what to extent, if I should expect anything at all. Trying to keep a string of small talk going I threw out the suggestion that he should come visit Colorado soon in his usual smart ass-ness he replied with a ‘why?’. Playing along I begun to list off a number of various things that Denver held that his location lacked- the last one being me. With each person/activity listed he took one step closer to where I stood until we were nose to nose. Looking into those damn brown eyes of his, I knew it was all over for this little one. Placing his hand on he small of my back, he closed his eyes and kissed me…. Let’s push pause here for one quick second. Ladies- you’re going to know exactly what I’m talking about when I say that we all have our idea scenario that we wish to have play out, that certain way we want to be held by a man as he kisses us, just the way chemistry is played out with someone we have feelings towards. Well this was my scene played out to a T.
A few passionate kisses later (sorry the details will remain between the two of us and the family who watched the whole thing go down a few feet away) I stumbled away, cheeks flushed, hiding a smile beneath the fingertips pressed to my lips, I turned and waved goodbye. I honestly don’t think I’ve walked into an airport before with my head held so high. Nine hours later waiting for my flight, I was still chuckling to myself.
The days went by with no contact, and I was spinning head over heart trying to sort out my feelings on the whole thing. In the end deciding that yes, old feelings had indeed struck themselves back up yet a soft voice in my mind told me I was the only one. Going against one of my good guy friend’s advice I decided to text Eric to see where he stood on our little passionate airport kiss. Knowing he was the type of guy who if he were to be interested in a girl he would go about properly pursuing her, yet I knew myself too well that if I left the question in my mind long enough it would eat away at me until I was left defeated. So to put myself out of my own misery I texting him (after about 9 failed drafts) asking if our kiss was heat of the moment or if feelings were behind it in anyway. A series of texts later her let me know that despite what he had though and perhaps wished, it was simply a matter of heat of the moment. Naturally, even though I knew that was going to be the answer, it stung. A moment later I burst into laughter, knowing full well that our on going, three year crush on each other could have ended no other way.
Moral of this little, sweep-me-off-my-feet story? Let your damn hair down and go for it. No, I’m not suggesting to sex it up with every man you have a mind crush on 2.5 seconds after meeting him, I’m simply saying if there’s a man who’s held your attention for three years straight, and he gentleman enough to treat you the way you deserve as a woman, follow your heart standing on the curb of the southwest airlines drop off line, and let him kiss you. Once again- I’m not saying let him under your skirt. Keep it classy, not trashy.
Good lord, I hate what ifs’… and I know, if that wouldn’t have happened we could have continued on another three years with that looming question overhead, wondering if there ‘really was something there’. So I can walk away from this with my confidence still intact, a continuation of a friendship with a man who will, until I die, tell me no and challenge me to become a better version of myself, and of course… my ideal kiss came true.
“I married my best friend”
a few days ago i stood outside with a close girl friend of mine, finding these words spilling out of my mouth- “no matter how hard you try to become his best friend, he’ll never wake up and realize you’re his future wife“. my words hung in the air between us, settling into not only her heart but mine as well. my words were not those of harshness or a verbal slapping of the face, they were simply a reality spoken out of love.
it is widely known (or at least thought) by all of womanhood that every guy just wants to marry his best friend. weather or not this is fact, it is the way that we women approach the men in our lives who could be described as ‘potentials’. you know what i’m talking about- those guys who we have yet to find ways to excuse away their limitations in compatibility with the woman we’re becoming. our way of ‘keeping an open mind’. in doing this we seem to fall into this pattern of jumping to the rescue anytime our guy of the moment needs help, wants to hang out, or just sends out a text, constantly putting ourselves in
the Harry/Sally scenario every woman hopes for
the position to be emotionally available the moment he needs it. expecting that one of these days the vail is going to fall from his eyes and he’s going to see what we’ve known all along- we’re that best friend he just can’t live without. and we’ll live happily ever after going through life’s hardships together and we’ll tell the story to our grandchildren to come how we married our best friend. so we wait around day after day putting our heart on the line begging, hoping, praying that through all this he somehow realizes that he needs us. yup just i said it. need. what we are all so afraid to admit out loud- so often we as women don’t just want to be wanted.. we long to be needed. the truth is so many of us feel that we need to be needed.
i don’t care if you want to admit it or not, but most of you know exactly what i’m talking about and have found yourself in the very position i’m describing- and no, i’m not excusing myself out of this at all. so many times i have found myself crossing the boarders of having a harmless crush to allowing my fantasy to take them a step further. having feelings become expectations, putting my heart on life’s proverbial table. but here’s the thing we so often forget, we spend all our emotional strength putting our hearts into this ‘relationship’ that he doesn’t even know is going on. we go home at the end of the night feeling rejected by someone who has no idea he’s doing any kind of rejecting in the first place.
looking my friend in her beautiful green eyes i said ‘babe, if you want to be his friend then fine, but if you’re making yourself available hoping that he’ll realize what’s in front of him. you’re putting your heart on the line for someone who doesn’t want it“. painfully i put my own feelings into check “so and so (my momentary ‘prospective’) is not my future husband, no matter how much i fantasize or sit and wish my heart away, he’s never going to notice me in that way. but i’m okay with that“.
Yea, it hurts sometimes to pull yourself back into reality at times, but but no matter the sting in the moment, it’s those decisions that allow us to call ourselves women rather than girls. Sitting there (no matter your age) feeling like if don’t put yourself in his way, he’ll never notice you. Sure that particular guy might not glance your way and more than likely- he ain’t your man. because let’s face it- you’re the only one who knows what’s going on and that means the one who’s going to do the changing. and i’m sorry but no matter how much you try and justify it, altering yourself to fit into becoming what you think his ‘ideal’ girl is will never pay off.
yes, one day i’m sure we will all be able to one day be married to our best friend, it just doesn’t mean we have to sacrifice our identities in the hopes of some passing crush looks our way. Babes- come on, deep down you know you feel the same way it just takes a bit of re-prioritizing our desires. Do you want to be needed now or wait to be wanted by the right person?
the shaving of my head
yes, you read the title right. i shaved my beautiful brown locks clean off. “what the… you would never.. how could you..” no i have not lost my sanity, yes i know it’s not the norm for single, early twenties young woman to shave her hair clean off.
million dollar question of the day- why did you shave your head? after getting asked this question at least 5 times a day i figure i should probably explain myself.
as far back as i can remember i’ve said that ‘one day i want to shave my head’ what put the idea in my mind i’m not entirely sure, i just knew that it had somehow made it on my bucket list. yet as the years passed and i grew more and more attached to my hair, that item for itself being pushed further down my list.
my first reasoning was the simple fact of for the first time in my life i really wanted to follow through. so many times i had spoken the words ‘one day i’ll…’ and yet those days never seem to come to pass. so while sitting with one of the guys i work with i begun to once again talk about ‘one day’ when he looked at me and replied ‘why isn’t that day today’. after an hour of us looking through pictures and my processing every excuse i came to the conclusion- let’s do it.
the second reason (this came to me as i was sitting in the chair with scissors cutting through my ponytail) was that somewhere along the way in my life i had become using my hair as a shield, something that I could hide behind. at the age of 22 i wouldn’t say that i have it all figured out, i do think that i have a good idea of who i am and am confident of that. yet despite this glorious confidence that lied within i still hid behind what i thought the expectations of me were. the petite girl with long brown hair, who always behaved as expected wanted to break out and do something slightly unexpected and outrageous (the way i felt inside).
something in life had told me that in order to do something like this i had to have already had a guy ‘tied down’. i would say ‘i’ll shave my head after i’m married’ giving the excuse that i wanted to have long hair for my wedding. but anyone who knows me knows that’s a load of crap- i don’t care about my ‘future wedding’ let alone the length of my hair at that time. it all boiled down to insecurities, that I had to look a certain way to get a guy. so what was my solution of exiting out of this thought process? shaving my head of course. i realized that my attraction point was not my hair, i’m not going to lie- i’m quite the catch long hair or not :).
jean seberg
from the first moment my friend ran the buzzer over my head to now almost a week later i haven’t regretted my decision for a minute. i’m not sure how doing something like shaving my head could allow me to finally live externally the confidence i knew i had internally, but it did. and yes, it was nice to finally being the one shocking those around me… let’s face it, i’m the last person you would have expected to shave my brunette locks off. i like it through, very natalie portman in v for vendetta minus the torture and man in the mask thing of course
so thank you to all my friends who took part in my outrageous act of spontaneity (i mean who really decides to shave their head at 9:30 at night!?). and my ‘family’ who allowed them to get them the shock of a lifetime :) i love you all
what is in a text?
I’ve had this “rule” for quite some time now that has suited me well, I’ve spent numerous conversations with both male and female about this subject. I feel very adamant about it. My rule: no text flirting.
“But what the hell?! It’s so much fun, shooting fun, witty comments back in forth over the wondrous technology of satellite”
Ok, ok calm yourself down and don’t pick up any rocks to start stoning me just yet. My viewpoint on it is if the guy (yes, i’m old fashion- i believe the man should do the internal pursuing) hasn’t made an effort to start the bases of flirting/complementing in person, he shouldn’t hide behind the face of technology. In a more blunt terms- if you don’t have the balls to pursue me face to face and risk my reaction (responsive or rejection), then don’t you dare think you can start something via text message. Ugh can you tell this is one of my pet peeves? 
Funnily enough, seeing as this is subject that can get me up on my soap box any day of the week, in the last month I have found myself in two different situations in which the man as let the main pursuit be over text message. The first guy, whom was significantly older than myself, I had met a few months back and while our paths had crossed a various events, we never had anything more than a casual conversation. Until he emailed me an invitation to a barbecue he was holding, sent spent a few days wittily emailing back and forth before I realized we had exchanged numbers and the texting begun. That was also around the same time that I noticed the 1. when we were in person, he was more stand offish than I would have liked and 2. the texts usually started later in the evening. Wow two strikes buddy- not very impressed. And when I called him out over the carpet (yes, over text message) his response was that is was all due to the fact that we work in the same place and he tries to keep a low profile when it comes to conversations with women. Bull shit, I watched him have countless conversations with various women and no one batted an eyelid. Homeboy was pulling shady pursuit work which left me very unimpressed to say the least. So that idea I laid to rest and moved my sights on.
The second guy I met during my summer semester which ended two weeks ago. He was in both my sociology and psychology classes and it took just a days into the semester for my brian to start registering him in my classes then a few more before I noticed him over the others. He was the strong, more reserved type and to my rather outspoken, spunky self- I was naturally drawn to his stature. But through the seven weeks of our semester there might have been random points of connection but it never developed further, and i was ok with that. If something was to happen there was no reason to make it happen, it could have developed naturally. Weeks passed by and I got on a plane and flew across 3 states from California to Colorado to visit my parents, leaving all thoughts of college and men who attended them behind. That is, until a few days ago I got an email from this man, asking me out to a movie/ice cream.
On this I have to say (another rule of mine), if a man (not boy) has the courage to ask me out, he deserves my time. No i’m not talking about jumping into a relationship, i’m just talking about dinner and getting to know someone.
So I responded with a yes and left him my number, later that day he text me and once again I find myself in building a form of communication over text message. I will say this, the fact that I’m states away and can’t exactly make things happen in person (which at least this one made an attempt to) does play a large factor in this. But as we’re texting and yes, crossing into complimentative communication- I can’t help but to find my heart checking my actions… are we building a foundation to get to know each other or escaping into a world of pretend- we’ve never had an actual conversation outside of school? How can you really get to know someone over text and email? And why is it that these men have the way of helping me break my rule. On the other hand- it’s just dinner and a movie we’re talking about here not a life long commitment. Am I over reacting to a rule I originally set to keep people out rather than protectively let them in. is my rule made out of wisdom or fear? should i ignore that little voice that says i want a man who has the ‘balls’ to pursue in person and disregard these boys who want the instant gratification of a text message. i don’t think i can do that, i’ve lowered my standard enough in the past to know it gets me nowhere but hurt.
and tell me- what is it about me that sends the message to these ‘boys’ that lets them know it’s okay to do this? does the stature that i hold myself at somehow say that i am a woman who will put up with the late night texts? i’m not asking to be unapproachable, i just want to hold myself in a way that a guy knows he has to be a man to think he can “get me” .
shoplifting 101
keeping your hands ‘to yourself’
ok so i live in the white trash/ghetto area of Redding California, and i need to face it, my neighbors are not the most classy folks. example- driving home today i passed this “gentleman” walking down the side of the road, one hand swinging politely at his side while the other hand seems to have found itself grabbing his crouch. the sad thing about this whole senero is that it didn’t shock me- in face i’ve seen this over and over again and each time i’ve asked myself ‘why the HELL do guys do that!?’
I mean come on, let’s just break this down here-
first off, bad mannerisms. The first thing i notice about you is that you’re touching your private regions a bit too much. I mean I’m not a guy, but I do understand that somethings need to be adjusted from time to time, i will give you plenty of “i’ll pretend you didn’t just adjust yourself in my presence” grace if you don’t take advantage of that. do your thing as decretly as possible and move on, no lingering.
second– honey, grabbing your ‘package’ does not make you look cool, hip, or ‘gangsta‘ (whatever that be). when I see a man grabbing at himself all it really makes me want to go is go up to him, cock my head a little bit, let my voice jump an octive or two- and ask him “you need to go potty?“. Let’s see you explain yourself out of that one. you’d walk away embarrassed and i walk away still disgusted.
third– women, unlike men, are not visually stimulated. so seeing you fondle yourself does nothing for us- except for repulse all of womankind. the first thing we think to ourselves when see an attractive man is ‘i wonder if that is my future soul mate’ (or something along those overly-commitment-searching lines that desperate women think), we never think “man, i wonder how big his package is“. you guys can wonder that all you want about each other, but let me tell you a secret about women- we don’t give a rat’s rear.
and forth– it’s gross. so stop it. we made fun of Michael Jackson then, we make fun of you now.
….so go home, use the restroom if you really need to, wash your grimy little hands, and join the rest of society in our good manners. and remember this- when your mommy told you to ‘keep your hands to yourself‘ she did not mean ‘keep your hand ON yourself’.
Confessions of the Girl Next Door 
