keeping your hands ‘to yourself’

ok so i live in the white trash/ghetto area of Redding California, and i need to face it, my neighbors are not the most classy folks. example- driving home today i passed this “gentleman” walking down the side of the road, one hand swinging politely at his side while the other hand seems to have found itself grabbing his crouch. the sad thing about this whole senero is that it didn’t shock me- in face i’ve seen this over and over again and each time i’ve asked myself ‘why the HELL do guys do that!?’

I mean come on, let’s just break this down here-

first off, bad mannerisms. The first thing i notice about you is that you’re touching your private regions a bit too much. I mean I’m not a guy, but I do understand that somethings need to be adjusted from time to time, i will give you plenty of “i’ll pretend you didn’t just adjust yourself in my presence” grace if you don’t take advantage of that. do your thing as decretly as possible and move on, no lingering.

second– honey, grabbing your ‘package’ does not make you look cool, hip, or ‘gangsta‘ (whatever that be). when I see a man grabbing at himself all it really makes me want to go is go up to him, cock my head a little bit, let my voice jump an octive or two- and ask him “you need to go potty?“. Let’s see you explain yourself out of that one. you’d walk away embarrassed and i walk away still disgusted.

third– women, unlike men, are not visually stimulated. so seeing you fondle yourself does nothing for us- except for repulse all of womankind. the first thing we think to ourselves when see an attractive man is ‘i wonder if that is my future soul mate’ (or something along those overly-commitment-searching lines that desperate women think), we never think “man, i wonder how big his package is“. you guys can wonder that all you want about each other, but let me tell you a secret about women- we don’t give a rat’s rear.

and forth– it’s gross. so stop it. we made fun of Michael Jackson then, we make fun of you now.

….so go home, use the restroom if you really need to, wash your grimy little hands, and join the rest of society in our good manners. and remember this- when your mommy told you to ‘keep your hands to yourself‘ she did not mean ‘keep your hand ON yourself’.