falling in love with safety (slightly more heartfelt that witty)

A year ago I found myself at interesting place in my life, a new group of “family”, new confidence of self, and a new best friend. Life was wonderful- for the first time in such a long while I found myself what I thought was an unobtainable level of happiness. I once again begun to let myself dream, was surrounded by three people who loved me unconditionally, and I laughed, oh how they made laugh. And one thing begun to take place I never imagined happening- I started to fall in love with my best friend. Or at least I thought I was. For the first time in what I could remember here was someone cared for me, looked after me, and even though he knew all there was to know about me, still loved who I was. To a woman with my past, this was priceless. I loved him, anyone who mets him loves the child.

But it wasn’t the love I thought it was at the time. I didn’t fall in love with who he was, I feel in love with who I become when I was around him, the person he allowed me to be. I craved satiety, freedom, and acceptance- and he provided those things for me. So as much as I tried to fight it, I fell for my best friend. Night after night I would drive away from the boys’ house trying to rationalize with myself, and usually by the time I got home I had convinced myself it was just in my head. But the next day came around and I would see that person I knew I had inside me coming out little by little and I loved that. But the truth was- this love wasn’t real and I was sitting there breaking my own heart one of us had to change their feelings and it wasn’t going to be him. I took advantage of the fact that he was leaving the country for two weeks and I needed to move on. Long story short in those two weeks he was gone I was asked out by someone else and went ahead with my life. For 6 months the guy and dated and I fell in love, but this time it was a different love. I fell in love with a man, he was amazing and it was my pleasure to get to know him. Yet in those 6 months I missed that girl my best friend had brought out. Why was it that I was in a relationship with an amazing guy whom I loved and yet it took my best friend to pull out someone in me that I loved? Could I compare the two loves? No not at all. I don’t regret my relationship and I don’t second guess the love I held for my best friend, I just now know I wasn’t IN love with him.

So why say all this now? What good is it going to do me to admit that I might have once been in love with my best friend? I honestly don’t know. Maybe it’s my new found respect for open honesty, maybe it’s the fact that my once best friend is now a stranger to me and I have nothing to lose. Maybe it’s just me trying to figure out the perfect mix that I long for in love- being in love with a man and being in love with the person that man draws out of me in return. And maybe, this is just part of life… coming clean and figuring my sh*t out.