How My Dad And Country Music Ruined My Dating Life

A few weeks ago I sat at a restaurant with four friendly faces, three of those which I had met only hours before. All eyes had turned on me, expectedly awaiting my answer. I had been warned  at the beginning of the evening that this question might be basked and yet, even with a decent heads up, I found myself not knowing how to answer it. It’s one of the few questions that I both loath and fear with equal intensity. The question anyone in my age brackets hates to hear- “why are you single?” Yes I could go ahead and launch into my usual jokes about rejection issues or fear of commitment (while those do flair up, they are issue mostly dealt with), they are merely a deflection, hoping the subject gets changed before the question gets asked again. But I couldn’t do that, not this time. After many attempted sentences later, I bashfully shrugged my shoulders, shook my head, and replied “I don’t know”.  The questions that followed were no better for my poor little brain to wrap itself around either- “what’s your type?” “what kind of guys are you into?” “are you interested in anyone now?” My answers came as quickly as I could spit them out, hoping someone, anyone would change the subject before I crawled under the table and curled up in a fetal position- “I don’t have one. “I don’t have one.” “All kinds.” “No.” I tried to satisfy the firing squad with a final “I’m just not much of a dater” and hoped that would suffice for now. Maybe it was the unfamiliarity of the people who sat before me that preventing from diving into where my heart lay with the dating game, then again maybe it was just that I was still trying to figure out my thoughts of the gentleman that sat directly to my right. Either way, I walked away feeling like I once again survived my own person World War III, I had survived “the question”.

It isn’t a question I just cringe from when others bring the subject up, it’s a question I struggle with asking myself as well. I am a human woman, I get lonely. And more than that, I desire companionship. This isn’t something I will ever deny. But there are those moments in my days where I become a little too introspective and let my mind wander over to the ‘dark side’ as I wonder why it is that I haven’t found myself snatched up. I’d like to think I’m a catch- why doesn’t a man? If my self awareness doesn’t kick in right away, I begin to spiral down into a pit of wondering sadness. Let me tell you- that place sucks. The easiest way to pull myself out of this rut? My dad and country music. Strange combination, I know; mostly because my dad hates country music. One time he even grounded me because he caught me listening to it…. but that’s another post for another day.

Let me first start off by giving this little piece of advice- guys, don’t fall for a country girl. Just don’t do it. Let me tell you why… us country girls have raised ourselves on the music of our people. Here’s the part where country music haters will make some crack about ‘your dog dying, your woman leaving, you tractor breaking and your drunken bar fights. Sure, there are songs like that out there, but there is also songs like “Gangnam Style” that tops any “depressing country song” (I think my point is proven here). No, we inundate ourselves with love songs by men who sing so bluntly of their adoration for their women. Blake Shelton asking his wife Miranda to let him in on the women she is when he not not around in “Who Are You When I’m Not Looking“. The Eli Brown Band reassuring a woman in the song that no matter what they might fight about he’ll hold her and tell her how much he loves her in “Crazy Girl“. Even little Hunter Hayes NAILED IT in ‘Wanted“, what woman wouldn’t want a man to feel that way about her, it is what we as women ache to hear a man say to us. My all time favorite? “She’s Everything” sung by country heart throb Brad Paisley. If there was ever a song written in likeness to my heart it would be this one. From the he first time I heard that song when it came out 2005 I always find myself closing my eyes and imagining a man ‘someday’ coming up to me and asking me to dance when that song came on. Yeah, my poor husband, I know.

 
I didn’t grow up listening to songs that told me I had to ‘shake what my momma gave me’ or offering to let me ‘blow his whistle’ (really Flo Rida, REALLY?!). No I grew up listening to men teach me that someday a man will have no problem looking my in the eye and saying “I need you”, that pouring out their feelings and wearing their heart on their sleeve is standing up and being a man. fighting for his woman’s heart. Country music doesn’t play games, neither do country girls. So guys- if you’re going for a country girl you better man up. We expect nothing less.
(See dad, listening to country music taught your daughter some good things!!!)  

So there’s the country music part, now how does your dad play into why you’re single? I’m glad you asked, let me explain… Growing up in my house hold was an… interesting thing. I could cover a multitude of different subjects, both good and bad, on the happenings in my childhood and the family dynamics. I was a home schooled, preachers daughter, whose family didn’t live in one location for over 5 years. Oh and did I mention I was a daddy’s girl? No matter what my family went through the keel to my ship was alway my father. No matter how much he failed me, made me angry, or became disconnected to, I kept a steady eye on the core of how he lead his life. He wasn’t perfect, I still have the memory engrained in my mind of going into the kitchen to see my mom after I had heard them fighting and offering her my stuffed bunny because she was crying, my bunny always helped me when I cried. I was to young to know or understand why they yelled, all I knew was that my dad had made my mom cry. I also have the vivid memory of watching my dad lay aside his dream of pastoring his own church because he knew his family was falling apart at the seams. For the next 5 years I watched the man I had seen my whole life change into the husband and father every wife and daughter dreams of. Did he become perfect? Nope. He still had his humanity like the rest of us, but he became self aware, humble, sensitive, loving, he became my dad again.
How does all this play into my singleness? Let me say it again- I watched a man give up his dreams for his family. I watched a man, for two years, care for his wife while she struggled with cancer. And I watched as he gave up his dream all over again when she wanted to go back to the one place that felt like home to her. Now you tell me how I can settle for some boy, when I watched my father so willingly lay down his dream not once, but twice, for my mom, for my brother, for me? Tell me how I can settle for anything less than a man who would lay down himself for his bride? Because I can’t.
I know my father didn’t start off as this self sacrificing man I now see before me, and I know whoever the lucky guy who gets stuck with me won’t be perfect either. But I can tell you one thing- my dad set the bar pretty damn high for any man (notice I didn’t say boy) who tries to “snatch me up”.

 
So why am I single again? Because I’ve been raised to desire a man who is not afraid to stand on a rooftop and declare his love, a man who wants to want me, who will give everything up in the name of love. And I know men like that exist because I watched my dad become that man. That I’m safe to ‘hold out’ until I find someone (or rather they find me) like that. A man like my father.
But mostly, one of the main reasons I refuse to settle. I’ve work hard to become the woman I am today. I’ve been through a lot in life, and no matter how hard life knocked the wind out of me, I kept pushing back. I’ve been through too many battles where I shed my own blood, sweat, and tears to become a better me to settle for someone who hasn’t done the same himself. A long time ago I heard someone teach “stop looking for Mr Right, and start focusing on becoming the right woman”. Looking for the right guys isn’t going to do jack shit for my life if I haven’t first learned to fall completely and utterly in love with myself.
I know that if my loneliness overcame me and I just ‘had to find a man’ I could. I’m not sitting here crying because there’s a lack of male interest, it’s there, they make themselves known. There are men in my life who from time to time venture to cross the line of ‘let me feel out if we can be more than friends and/or coworkers’ line. Clearly none of them have made it, I would say it wasn’t due to a lack of trying… but lets face it- it is. Once again kiddies- do not ask out a girl over texting, pick up the damn phone. I’ll be the first to say any man who tries to use social media to ‘holla’ at me will get an instant shut down. But once again that’s another post for another day…..